Flash Fiction: Delusional Dialogue

“It’s like my skin is covered in little ants.”

“That’s prickly heat. You haven’t drunk enough water and now you’re overheating.”

“What? I’m not a computer.”

“Go have a shower, drink half a litre of water and then eat some sugar. If you haven’t developed a migraine after that, you’re good.”

“How can you live like this? You don’t even have air conditioning!”

“This isn’t that hot. The fact that you’ve managed to experience heat stress is more to do with you than the heat.”

“This isn’t that hot? I’m sweating in places I didn’t know I could sweat! It’s like every part of my body is an armpit.”

“So go have that shower.”

“Ugh. I think there’s a bug running behind my knees but it turns out its sweat tricking down! How can the backs of knees sweat?”

“Naturally.”

“I’m a ham, baking in my own glaze.”

“Are you just going to complain or are you going to do something about it?”

“Actually, I think the heat is making me more creative.”

“That’s not creativity – that’s delusion. Seriously, you need to cool yourself down or else you’re gonna suffer some brain damage.”

“Heat can do that?”

“Heat, and me. Go have freaking shower already.”

Flash Fiction: Dinner Dialogue

“If I can make it, I’m not going to order it.”

“That’s ridiculous. Can’t you just enjoy eating out?”

“If I order Spaghetti Bolognese and I know I can do better, I can’t enjoy it.”

“We are in a five star restaurant! This is absolutely no judgement on your cooking but I think their spag bol will be better.”

“But what if it isn’t? Then it’s just overpriced disappointment.”

They’ve used five different mushrooms and it’s topped with shaved truffle!

“That won’t make it good though; just expensive.”

“Look, I understand where you are coming from, but the whole point of this menu is ‘gormet-izing’ regular food. Just order what you want.”

“Right, and I want the calamari.”

“You hate squid!”

“But if this is meant to be the best of the best, then the meal should make me like squid.”

“You’re setting yourself up for failure.”

“Excuse me mademoiselles, have you perused the menu?”

“Yes, I’ll have the calamari and chips.”

“And I’ve got to order the spag bol so my friend has something to eat.”

“…Excuse me?”

“Oh, the Spaghetti Bolognese.”

“You spent the past five minutes arguing against me when you’re just going to order for me anyway?!… oh, that was quick.”

“How’s the squid?”

“…Okay, I guess.”

“I knew it.”

“Hey! That’s my dinner!”

“No, the spaghetti is. You’re lucky I don’t like it.”

“…Thanks.”

“You’re bloody welcome.”

Flash Fiction: Cat Dog Dialogue

“You’re not helping them, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“Giving them all that attention, all that affection. How do you expect they cope when they go off into the world and you’re not by their side?”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“Of course you don’t.”

“You actually believe leaving them on their own and acting cold is helpful?

“It prepares them for what awaits.”

“You can’t pretend they don’t need companionship.”

“I don’t.”

“Then why are you talking to me?”

“I am merely trying to help.”

“You are helping: yourself. You need attention just as much as they do – you just can’t admit it.”

“Don’t be absurd. Look, this isn’t about me – I am concerned for our housekeeper. I see him come in every evening looking depressed and you brighten him up to an unsustainable level before he leaves again and the vicious cycle repeats.”

“It could be that my affection is what gets him through the day.”

“You think too highly of yourself. He’s headed for a breakdown and you can’t see it. I’ve read research of these symptoms – optimists cannot sustain themselves as pessimists can.”

“You’re making that up.”

“No; it’s true.”

“Well, I don’t believe you. I’m older than you aren’t I?”

“Not for long.”

“What are you saying?”

“Cats live longer than dogs. Everyone knows that.”

“You know what else everyone knows? Dogs live happier than cats.”

“Happiness is an unrealistic expectation.”

“Only for some. Do you really think people are better off acting like you?”

“Haven’t you noticed how they act towards each other? They do act like me. They know what works.”

“Unless they think it’s easier to pretend than admit they don’t know. If they were honest like dogs, maybe they’d be happier.”

“You forget.”

“What?”

“Cats are honest too.”